“Financial infidelity” or lying to a spouse about money or having a husband hiding money is prevalent. The issue is considered worse than physical cheating.
When does it get to that point, though? Aren’t we all guilty to some degree of telling a lie about a secret purchase here or there or maybe sticking a bit of money away for “a rainy day?”
The intention is key. If there is malicious intent, perhaps an entire paycheck is socked away, and everything is paid with your money, possibly so your husband can walk away from the marriage.
More financial abuses include impulsive spending becoming an addiction or perhaps a gambling habit growing out of control.
Unfortunately, a mate is left vulnerable when their partner handles all the household finance. They are entirely unaware, except it appears from the outside looking in that there are no worries.
Everything in their life is fantastic. Until you learn about the maxed-out credit card debt, the outstanding mortgage, and the varied other financial crises. In a partnership, each person should be informed on what’s happening with the money, even if one of them manages it.
The reasons a husband would lie about money
There can be numerous reasons a husband would lie to a significant other when it comes to money, from severe problems like gambling to the more common socking away a few dollars for emergencies.
The reasons can often correlate along the lines of reasons people would commit romantic infidelity. In a sense, it starts small and grows into something not intended – when there’s not a malicious factor.
Unfortunately, anything a spouse accumulates, the other person becomes responsible for; the debt is then yours. If you don’t pay attention or take more interest in what’s happening with the finances earlier in the marriage, it can come back to hurt you. Let’s look at the reasons why a husband would lie about money.
Addictions
Gambling is merely one addiction that can be financially devastating. It can wipe a household out without a spouse becoming aware until it’s too late.
A husband can take second and third mortgages on the home, take out private loans, max out credit cards, borrow from friends and family with no ability to repay the funds. There is such debt by the time it’s noticed, bankruptcy needs to be declared.
That can also be the result of an addiction to illicit drugs, shopping, and any sort of addiction.
The person will go to great lengths and any amount of money to achieve the emotion that buying whatever the funds are able to get for them allows them to feel to the point of destroying the home’s financial circumstances.
Revenge
When a husband feels that a partner is not doing what they might have suggested they would do as a mate at the start of the marriage as far as contributing to the household income, he could become vengeful.
In doing so, claiming a majority of the money earned comes from him, he could be unreasonable and spend erratically without letting you know.
Once you start noticing receipts or see new loan accounts or credit cards, it’s wise to have a confrontation about the situation since you will be held responsible for the debt as well.
Sometimes, the only way to handle circumstances like these is to either get a third party involved (maybe counseling) or perhaps walk away before more debt accrues.
Societal pressures
Everyone’s life looks sophisticated and glamorous on social sites, with no one seeming to struggle. That makes anyone who faces hardships with cash feel less than to the point a husband tries to pretend he’s of the same level without expressing to his mate that they actually can’t afford the lifestyle he’s presenting to the media sites.
That includes fancy dining, the expensive car, the lavish house. The things social sites usually represent in a “smoke and mirrors” context, meaning it’s not authentic.
Trying to keep up with what people show on these sites is foolish because it’s not real. People put on airs simply trying to impress other people, almost like play-acting. That’s why parents tell children to take what they see on these platforms lightly.
Social media can be harmful when people put too much emphasis on comparisons. That’s what’s happening in so many facets, including lifestyle and image.
Separate values
When middle-aged or even senior couples have adult children, men (sometimes women) often fund their adult child’s lifestyle, particularly if that kid doesn’t work or is living above their means.
The spouse tends to have to provide this money without their significant other realizing it since, in most cases, their mate disagrees with it. One partner generally feels that the child needs to get a job and live modestly, while the other sees it as taking care of their kid, something a parent is supposed to do.
Unfortunately, in many cases like these, when the lies come to light, generally, there’s no resolving the situation. It often ends in a divorce leaving the child to take the blame.
A physical infidelity
Financial infidelity can also go hand in hand with physical cheating. Often there is a significant expense in trying to hide an affair. Generally, the man needs to have a place where he goes with the other person, whether it be a hotel or perhaps he rents a place they can go together, especially if the individual is also married.
Likely, the man needs to keep up two lifestyles: taking the different mates to dinner, buying gifts for varied occasions for two partners, taking holidays, weekends, and so on.
Eventually, a spouse will become wise to the betrayals. Sadly, with the financial infidelity, the debt will need to be shared whether the two agree to a divorce or not.
Planning to leave
You might not notice that a partner has started to use only your money to pay the bills and is socking away their money. Or maybe you do, and the mate indicated it was for the “rainy day” fund if there is an emergency.
That sounds logical. In fact, it’s a good idea, especially if any problems should arise.
The truth of the matter is that your husband is planning to save this money until there’s enough for him to leave, getting started on a life separated from you eventually getting a divorce.
Sadly, you don’t find out until he goes, and you’re left with no money. In many cases like these, a divorce attorney can work as can a judge to ensure there are spousal resources or alimony.
What can I do when my husband lies about finances?
When the realization comes to light that serious debt has accumulated, you will be held responsible for half of all that’s accrued. It is understandable to be angry and want to lash out emotionally, but at this point, that’s not productive.
As a rule, this sort of behavior results in divorce, but for couples that are otherwise strong and healthy, there are ways to work through some of these issues and come out on the other side, wounded, angry, and hurt with lots to fix. But accepting of faults. However, it does depend on the basis of the behavior.
The first call should be to a financial advisor to see the level of damage and receive advice on how to handle the situation.
If it is to a level that everything will be lost and bankruptcy will need to be declared, then there’s a decision to be made as to whether you can continue your path with this partner.
Regardless of the strength of your union, what if it were to happen again,
Final thought
Financial infidelity is a serious relationship issue comparable to physical infidelity, in some cases worse. It can destroy partnerships, with many cases ending in divorce, especially when mates hide money with the specific intention of leaving the marriage.
That’s why one partner should not be solely responsible for the finances in the household, with the other mate being entirely unaware of what’s happening with the money.
That makes these sorts of situations so much easier for the one engaging in the behavior. Over the course of a marriage, crises happen, affairs, addictions, children come along and grow to become irresponsible adults.
With kids alone, parents can become divided to the great detriment of the partnership. That’s particularly true when one mate finds it necessary to take care of a kid no matter the situation simply because it’s their child. At the same time, the other believes in being a responsible adult.
In any one of these scenarios, lying to a spouse breaks trust. That’s the foundation for a healthy, thriving, and successful marriage. It’s not something you can just have back. It takes a great effort to rebuild, and some partners aren’t willing to give that second chance.
