Breakups are tough to deal with. There are typical stages to the grief process following the loss of a mate, reminiscent of grief stages when you lose someone to death. Each person must avoid the other to encourage healing.
Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. In some instances, an ex will find it necessary to contact their mate even after being asked not to. It creates confusion, interrupts the healing, and can cause a problem if the former partner has moved on with a new significant other.
One of the apparent problems is that you responded by asking the mate not to message anymore. Whether you intended to or not, you opened the line of communication.
If you are someone who has gone through the healing process and genuinely don’t want to hear from or have contact with this person in any form ever again, messages should go unanswered, even going to the length of blocking this person. That’s especially true if you’re in a new partnership.
While it’s curious why an ex would be rising from the depths of a brutal parting of ways to reach out in this way and then continue to harass you, you really don’t need to concern yourself with. But this would be an apparent component of their grief stages which stringently dictate there is to be no contact.
Reasons an ex keeps contacting you
There can be numerous reasons why an ex would contact their former mate suddenly after a time has passed and continues even when told to stop. But none of those reasons are healthy for either person.
If the former partner has reached their point of healing and has no desire for contact of any sort, the continued harassment has no true purpose except to stall their own ability to move on. Let’s look at some potential reasons behind the contact.
Feelings of guilt
If your ex was the one who ended the partnership, the mate is likely feeling stabs of guilt and probably remorse at the thought of how it went down. There’s a need to alleviate these emotions, and the only way to do that is to make sure that you’re ok.
The idea that the one who was let go in the relationship will endure the most pain isn’t always accurate. In many cases, the one who does the breaking up feels exceptionally saddened with a great desire to apologize once time passes for their part in why things didn’t work out and offer a true hand in friendship.
There’s really no reason people can’t be friends with exes if it’s a genuine give-and-take friendship where both parties benefit from the relationship. The only issue is how future partners will feel about the whole thing.
There is an innate curiosity
The ex could have an intense curiosity about what you’re up to, who you’re with, where you go, somewhat stalkerish, especially if they’re contacting you and won’t stop.
If you’re trying to move on and are reaching that point, but this person is wreaking havoc on your efforts, it’s essential to put a block on their number and do the same with them on social sites. After all, why would you text someone you don’t like on Facebook, TikTok, or other apps?
It seems sort of like one of those situations where the person is not interested in you as a romantic partner. But they want to know what’s happening in your life all the same.
They don’t want you, but you shouldn’t be out having a good time; you should be home being sad because they don’t want you.
You might be the support system
If you acted as a support system for your ex-husband or boyfriend during the partnership. So, the individual might need someone to lean on for life problems they have no one else to vent with.
When you’re in a relationship for any length of time, your mate grows to depend on you for advice, guidance, encouragement, and motivation. You’re the one they usually go to first when there’s news or devastation or exhilaration.
When there’s a breakup, the people the ex turned to before you came along have their own mates to share with, leaving the ex to contact you to see if they can vent. It’s genuinely rather sad. There’s much healing to do in this situation on the ex’s part and a need to progress forward.
In some cases, the ex-partner has progressed forward with no interest in romance or need to know what you’re up to with other people or where you go or rehash the baggage from the partnership.
The individual simply feels the two of you had a genuine friendship worth holding onto apart from the romance that didn’t work and hopes you agree.
The fact that the ex is continually contacting you and you’re distinctly asking them to stop should be an indication that you’re not up for any kind of relationship. Persistence is a virtue, and perhaps after time and effort, you’ll see why the friendship might be a positive in your life.
An angry ex
If you are just out of the breakup and you did the breaking up, you might be dealing with an angry person (former mate) who doesn’t understand why there was such an abrupt ending to the partnership.
Perhaps it was done inappropriately over text or with a phone message. The individual (rightfully so) wants an explanation to at least be able to come to the point of closure and begin to heal while you’ve already started with the “no contact” phase of your stages of loss.
This is an unfair situation. A face-to-face ending is appropriate so all questions can be answered and each person has the opportunity to have their say in order to move on freely.
The person who handled a breakup like this is selfish and should answer the ex who keeps calling and texting to make things right.
What can you do when you ask them to stop
Responding to an ex following a breakup will be the same across the board regardless of the variables. It’s essential to be exceptionally honest and upfront with the individual using no sort of cruelty, albeit with a degree of firmness in your tone.
There should be no room for the person to be able to make any interpretations because that defeats closure that they obviously are in need of. In addition, boundaries need to be set and not crossed. Now, some text responses that deem appropriate include:
“I appreciate the check-in, but continued contact is not healthy for either of us. I wish the best for you.”
By establishing the boundary that contact will not be acceptable, closure can be found regardless of the ex is genuinely checking in to be kind with no other motive.
“You need to be aware I’m seeing someone. I don’t find it appropriate to continue with contact.”
If things ended on relatively decent terms, it’s appropriate to let the mate know you’re with someone new and that while you care, you’re uncomfortable with the contact.
“You’re taking accountability for the events leading to the break is appreciated, but I still have no interest in reuniting. I wish you well progressing forward.”
When an ex continues to contact you with apologies and love songs, it’s apropos to accept their taking accountability but essential to let the individual know a reunion is not possible firmly.
“I may have been unclear the last few times, and I apologize. I have nothing left I want to say to you, and I want no contact. I would appreciate you respecting my boundaries from here forward”
When you have said the same thing multiple times, but the ex continues to contact you, sometimes you have to be more than firm. So they understand in no uncertain terms they are not to reach out to you anymore, and there’s no further misinterpretation.
Block the ex
Sometimes the loudest message of all is silence. When you don’t respond to a constant barrage of messages, that’s saying the most.
If things ended badly, they have no reason to contact you anyway, and you have absolutely no obligation to respond to them.
There are some variables, as pointed out, with the reasons why an ex would reach out to their former mate. Some are innocent enough, and it’s entirely up to the former partner whether they respond or not. There is indeed no obligation to do so.
When the relationship ends, and there’s no intention or mention of remaining friends at that time, the idea is to find closure and move on.
If an ex finds they can’t do that, they must reach out; the person they should be turning to is an individual therapist and not their former mate. The professional can help guide them to the point of healing.