Relationships can only grow to be healthy and prosperous when there is a foundation of trust. Trust creates a sense of security and safety with the other person and the partnership. So, mates search for this quality to avoid the possibility of getting hurt or experiencing pain.
Trust will quickly be lost when someone lies, regardless of whether it’s considered an insignificant, small thing or if it’s a severe issue like infidelity.
It can be an uphill battle when you attempt to fix trust in the relationship after lying to your partner, but it’s not impossible. It requires an adequate amount of sincere effort, not to mention a firm commitment.
Part of the process involves divulging the facts in their entirety regardless of how difficult it might be. Since details kept from the other person will eventually come to light showing that you’re still untrustworthy since you’re still withholding the truth.
In rebuilding, it will be necessary to show unfailing reliability. That means the guilty partner shows up on time, calls at the moment they say they will, and opens the phone and schedules without question.
There will be much communication allowing the victim to express what they’re experiencing due to the lies and betrayal. These conversations need to endure until there is a semblance of healing and new boundaries are set.
Limitations need to be established not only by the person hurt from the lies but also by the partner who lied.
Rebuilding trust after lying to your partner
Everyone messes up at some point in a relationship, some more so than others. There is always regret when trying to fix the problem created.
That is a vital component of all partnerships when it comes to trust. When boundaries are crossed, and lies are told, there’s something not quite right in the union that someone felt the need to avoid the truth.
Still, recognizing the potential for losing everything is enough to realize that there’s a great deal of fighting to be done. There can be a stronger connection and a closer bond than before if the effort and time put into making corrections are done effectively.
The following steps are some that can be implemented. Realize that each partnership is unique with differing circumstances. But you will at least gain a beginning foothold with these tips.
1. Own the behavior
When you’re the one who lied and are responsible for betraying the trust in the partnership, openly admits that you’ve done so. Verbally own your responsibility vulnerably and plains so each person is aware of what occurred and where things stand.
If there has been an affair, don’t go into specific details, that’s unnecessary pain that a mate doesn’t need to endure. If, however, a partner asks questions, answer them honestly.
From this point, moving forward, if you want to fix the partnership after breaking trust, you can’t brush details under the carpet with the notion it will simply disappear.
Eventually, the truth will come out and further prove you to be untrustworthy, destroying the possibility of saving the partnership.
2. What is the reason for the betrayal?
A mate will want to know why you felt it necessary to do whatever led to the lie. It’s vital to put careful forethought into the answer since you first need to be honest with yourself about what caused the behavior.
Something in the partnership is off for betrayal even to be a consideration. Trust can only be fixed after a lie if you face the problem directly.
That doesn’t mean attempting to point fingers or replace the blame onto a mate. It means trying to come to terms with reality, so there is no chance for a repeat in the actions.
3. I’m sorry
There should be no attempt to justify actions, merely explain what happened and why. After expressing these details, a sincere apology needs to occur, which a mate needs to feel and believe.
When offering an apology, you need to look directly into your partner’s eyes with authentic body language that mimics the feelings you’re conveying.
Suppose there’s any doubt in your mind that you can prevent the behavior from happening again. In that case, you must consider whether you genuinely want to pursue fixing the trust issues since lying to your partner or if you should instead separate. If you do, move forward.
4. Pay attention
After providing every detail and apologizing, it’s time to listen to your mate. Often, a partner will need to take some time to process all that has been divulged to them.
After that time, it will be their moment to speak, ask questions, and vent. It’s vital to provide any answers they need and learn what they’ll need from that point to attempt to regain trust and salvage the partnership.
5. Time and patience
Time restrictions or limitations have no place when a partner works through trust issues after a betrayal. There should be no pressure for a mate to forgive your actions.
Depending on the circumstances, it could take significant time to regain what has been lost. If your goal is to rebuild and make the partnership more vital, it’s up to you to remain patient.
That means waiting until your significant other reaches out to you. The behavior you display to a mate needs to be in line with the apology you offered. That doesn’t include rushing their forgiveness.
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6. Reliability and promises kept
From this point, moving forward, being reliable and keeping promises will be the expectation. A partner will scrutinize anything you say or do, and that’s something you should anticipate.
The only way to counter that is to follow through on promises, show up when you say you’ll be there, follow through with plans. Don’t wait to be asked questions; volunteer details about your whereabouts and the things you’re doing.
If you’re not sure you can meet a goal, say that. Be open and honest to a fault. Explain the situation and let your partner know the circumstances that might prevent you from achieving what you hope to.
When a partner starts to see they can count on you with this new behavior, it’s the start of good things.
7. It’s okay to forgive yourself
Everyone makes mistakes; there are no perfect people. We’re all human, including your partner. If you’re making attempts to correct the damage you’ve created, it’s okay to credit yourself for that. And then let go of the hate that you might hold for yourself.
Forgive you. Stop taking away from the energy you could be using to fix the trust you lost from lying, to begin with. You will likely feel alone since a mate will not feel bad for you; it would be wise to reach out to counselors to guide you on your path.
8. Professional assistance
A therapist can be beneficial, as can a couples’ counselor. With an individual therapist, you can work through the reasons behind the behavior, why you might have felt compelled to do what you did and what needs might not have been satisfied.
A couples’ counselor can guide the two of you into communication you might not otherwise engage in, plus help you through the difficult conversations.
Can a partnership go back to normal after that?
Forgiving someone for a behavior like being late from work or forgetting an anniversary is different than trying to regain trust in that person. Lies make people see others in a different light.
Even after they apologize and open themselves up entirely in order to fix the trust, it can take substantial time to rebuild what has been overshadowed despite there being forgiveness.
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Moving forward, there needs to be a level of respect and honesty with no need to resort to lying. For some reason, someone felt it necessary to forego the truth to receive a greater sense of satisfaction for themselves.
That’s not normal that anyone wants to go back to. Instead, it’s vital to strive for a healthy and stable relationship with open, vulnerable, and transparent communication.
In the end, when (not “if”) trust is reestablished, hopefully, there is a stronger bond and a closer connection, not a sense of normalcy.
For those in the position of fixing trust after lying to a partner. Or for a partner who has been lied to and had their trust shattered, a good starting point to rebuild (if that’s your goal) is to look to professional help.
Starting the conversation that needs to happen can be challenging for both people. The person who lied needs to figure out where that behavior originated. Typically, something is missing for that individual.
A counselor can work through the issues by guiding couples, especially those at fault, to consider thought processes they might otherwise have overlooked. It doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily decide to maintain a partnership, and that’s okay.
Some things are too significant to digest. But putting in the effort speaks volumes.